im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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