I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
