Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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