why im i the only drunk person in the library?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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