A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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