We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
