I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
