Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
