He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
