Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
