News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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