he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
