Farmville is her only friend.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
