I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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