Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize