i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
