Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
