God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
