Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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