it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
