this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
