if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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