I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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