We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
