Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
