In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
