There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
