Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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