He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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