you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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