I only kidnapped one of them. chill
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
