I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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