I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
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