nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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