Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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