I hope mine doesn't look like that
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
