I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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