I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i came on her dog
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
