Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
