I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
