masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
