Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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