my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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