There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
