I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
