so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
