I showed him my bush... on skype.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
