i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
