Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
