Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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